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Masquerade Marathon
Mike is on the run from a just-released criminal whom he got sent to jail and tries to hide from him in the annual masquerade picnic. Cast (in order of appearance): , , , , , , , , Big Al Finkleman Segments: The Possum Lodge Word Game, Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services, Handyman Corner, The Experts, Adventures With Bill, Ranger Gord's Educational Films, Red's Handyman Tips DVD: The Red Green Show – 2001 Season Transcript {A birdhouse is seen, with various birds around it.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} Isn't it great to be able to help the birds through the winter with these bird feeders? {Cut to Red pouring some red pepper into a bucket placed on a worktable.} RED GREEN: We all want the birds to be healthy and happy, 'cause it'll be huntin' season before you know it. {laughs} I'm kiddin'. But you know, this year, we've had the worst winter we've had in a while. {stops pouring pepper into bucket and putting it down} I'm just afraid that normal birdseed won't do the job. {Red picks up the bucket and goes over to the birdhouse with it.} RED GREEN: They need food that'll help generate a little extra heat in those tiny bodies. {lifts up roof off of birdhouse} And that's why I've mixed up this batch of jalapenos, chili peppers and extra, extra hot sauce to give this birdseed a little boost in the horsepower department. {Red pours the hot mix into the birdhouse through the opened roof. He then puts the roof back on and walks over to a picnic table, where he sits on the table. He looks over toward the birdhouse, where the sounds of hissing, bubbling and sizzling are heard inside. He hears the birds all squawking and chirping.} RED GREEN: I think it's gonna be a little warmer in the nest tonight. {He suddenly hears the sounds of birds as they fly past him, trailing different colors of smoke.} Intro {Red enters the Lodge, waving. The audience cheers.} RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Yeah. Big, big week up at the Lodge this week. Yeah. I know you're excited, because tomorrow is the day the town has their annual masquerade picnic. Y'know, that's a big day. It used to be just a normal picnic; we used to have the potluck supper in there, but we've had so many food poisoning claims that now everybody wears a costume to protect the guilty. {Mike enters the Lodge, wearing a turquoise suit and tie and nose-and-mustache glasses.} RED GREEN: Speaking of protecting the guilty... {Mike walks up close to Red} So, uh, what's up, Mike? MIKE HAMAR: I'm not Mike. RED GREEN: Oh, really? MIKE HAMAR: No. I'm an interesting stranger from a faraway town. There's no one named Mike living in the face of which I speak. RED GREEN: Oh, really? MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, mm-hmm. {Red reaches out and removes Mike's glasses from his face. Mike smiles and bats his eyes at Red.} RED GREEN: What's the problem? {Mike suddenly breaks down, crying.} MIKE HAMAR: You gotta help me, Mr. Green! About ten years ago, I ratted on this guy named Big Al Finkleman. I sent him up to the slammer, and I heard yesterday that he just got out and he's comin' to get me to pay me back! What am I gonna do?! RED GREEN: Maybe you're not Mike. MIKE HAMAR: Oh, yeah, I'm Mike. {reaches inside his coat pocket and pulls out a small book} I am Mike. You have a look. {Mike hands Red the book and Red takes it.} RED GREEN: {looking at book} "Dalton Humphrey". Yeah, you're Mike all right. {Mike nods} Look, Mike, here's all you gotta do: tomorrow is the masquerade picnic, right? So go out and get yourself a decent costume, and you'll blend right in. This Big Al guy will never find ya. MIKE HAMAR: {intrigued} Oh, that's a great idea! I'm gonna go right over to that costume store. RED GREEN: All right... MIKE HAMAR: How late are they open? RED GREEN: Oh, don't worry about it, there'll be somebody there 'til six. MIKE HAMAR: Okay, I'll wait. {Mike sits down in a chair.} The Possum Lodge Word Game DALTON HUMPHREY: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game! Yeah! {Dalton waves his arms victoriously. The camera pulls back to reveal Dalton standing behind the card table where Red and Harold are seated.} DALTON HUMPHREY: {picking up and holding a glowing stick} And tonight's lucky winner will receive this striking fluorescent bicycle handle grip. Ideal for hitchhiking at night. {Dalton sticks the glowing stick on his thumb in a hitchhiking pose. He then sets it down and looks toward Harold.} DALTON HUMPHREY: Okay, close your ears. {Harold does so, with his whole hands; Dalton picks up word sign} Red, you got 30 seconds to get Harold to say this word... {turns sign around to show audience} "Power"! "Power"! {sets sign down} And go. {Harold takes his hands out of his ears.} RED GREEN: Okay, Harold, what's the most important thing on a car? HAROLD GREEN: Cup holders! RED GREEN: No. No, this is a performance thing. HAROLD GREEN: Ho! Reclining seats? RED GREEN: No, no... Okay, when I stomp down on the Possum Van gas pedal, it gives me lots of... HAROLD GREEN: ...fumes. {pauses} It does. RED GREEN: Okay, we have to move something like a piano. We always put Moose Thompson on the heavy end because he has more... HAROLD GREEN: ...insurance. RED GREEN: Okay, Harold, when you're dancing with a beautiful girl, okay, you got her in your arms, eh? Suddenly, both of you feel the something of love. {Harold gets shocked again and laughs nervously.} RED GREEN: No, no. No, no, no, no... DALTON HUMPHREY: Time's almost up, Red. RED GREEN: Yeah. No, you know what? Harold, I think– I think we're scuppered here. HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no, no, don't give up! Don't give up! Just use the power of positive thinking! That will– {Red cuts him by rapidly ringing the bell to end the game.} DALTON HUMPHREY: Way to go! {sticks the fluorescent bike grip on Harold's thumb} Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services {Winston is seen walking away from an outhouse and past his sewage truck, holding a length of hose.} WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {voiceover} State-of-the-art waste-water removal vehicle, $95,000. {Cut to Winston closing a valve on his truck.} WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {voiceover} Hard hat, $20. {Cut to a closeup of Winston's bow tie, which he adjusts.} WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {voiceover} Trademark, $14.95. {Cut to Winston walking alongside his truck, up to the driver's seat.} WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {voiceover} Heading home with clean boots after four pump-outs and an overflow, priceless. {Winston climbs into the driver's seat of his truck.} WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {voiceover} For city folks, there's public works. For everyone else, there's Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. {The image on the screen turns to liquid and gets sucked into the screen, revealing only a plain red background with the name of Winston's on it.} Handyman Corner Segue: Winston Rothschild {Winston stands on the back bumper of his sewage truck.} WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: When you're hit with an aroma {drops down on the ground} that buckles your knees, and your property smells like prehistoric cheese, call us; we'll handle the problem with ease, before your neighbors keel over with each passing breeze. {Winston holds up his business card.} Plot Segment 2 The Experts Adventures Ranger Gord's Educational Films {Ranger Gord is seated inside his fire watchtower with a film projector next to him.} RANGER GORD: Hi, everybody, Ranger Gord here. You know, in tonight's educational film, which, of course, I wrote and directed and... well, I did all the voices and drew all the pictures and, uh, well, I choreographed most of the love scene... {winks} Tonight's episode is all about teaching you how to talk to the animals. I like to call this episode "Ranger Doolittle". This is, of course, just a catchy name for this film and not any kind of an indication of what I do up here on a regular basis, okay? Really, it's not. So, anyway, that's the end of the introduction portion of the presentation. Now we move on to the next portion of the presentation, which is, of course, the... middle part of the presentation, which comes right after the introduction and, of course, just before the... {pause; breathes} ending. {another pause} Here we go! {Gord starts up the projector. The film starts. The cartoon Ranger Gord's hand pops in and writes out "Ranger Gord's Educational Films" and underlines "Educational". A picture of Gord appears in the title. The film then fades to Gord posing with the title "Starring me! Ranger Gord". Fade to a shot of a cartoon sky dotted with clouds. The title reads, "Today's episode..." and then "RANGER DOOLITTLE". Cut to Ranger Gord standing next to a tree.} RANGER GORD: Well, folks, today, I'm gonna show everyone in our solar system that I can talk to the animals! {Cut to another perspective of Gord. In the tree hangs Little Red, upside-down from his tail. Next to the tree is a stream with a beaver dam in it. On top of it is Little Harold.} LITTLE HAROLD: Fwaaaa, that's awesome, Ranger Gord! {holds up a tree branch} RANGER GORD: Yes, it is, Harold. Have either of you ever talked to animals? LITTLE HAROLD: Ah, I haven't personally, no. LITTLE RED: {lowering himself down from the tree} I speak to a jackass every once in a while, you know? {Gord stares at Red, who looks annoyed. Cut to a moose, looking angry. It snorts. Red's eyes bug out in shock at the sight of the moose. The moose charges at Red and butts him, sending him spinning through the air.} LITTLE RED: OW! {Gord watches Red fly through the air, then turns to the camera.} RANGER GORD: As you can see, animals don't appreciate that kind of humor. {Gord runs over to Harold, who stares fearfully at the moose.} Segue: Winston Rothschild 2 {Winston stands in front of his sewage truck.} WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: If your ground seems unusually soft, if each time you breathe, you let out a cough, if the cows roll their eyes and barf in the trough, better call Rothschild's before the lid blows off. {Winston holds up his business card.} Red's Handyman Tips Plot Segment 3 Fun Facts Real-World References *Winston's first commercial is a parody of the "Priceless" commercials for MasterCard. *The music heard during some of Ranger Gord's Educational Film are Night On Bald Mountain by Modest Mussorgsky and The Nutcracker Suite by P.I. Tchaikovsky. Famous People *Ranger Gord trying to talk to animals, as well as the title for this episode's "Ranger Gord's Educational Films" is a parody of Doctor Doolittle, a fictional animal doctor who can also talk to animals. Category:Big Al Finkleman Filmography